Patience, Matt, patience
Haven't had the time to put in a new entry until now. Not because i'm busy studying but just haven't had the chance to go online. I guess it is a good thing, I don't have to try to avoid reading her journal. But I did, unfortunately. Wrote something nice about me but also reassuring the whole world that she does not love me in a romantic way, how sweet. Right.

Thought about her a lot. Miss her and still want to be with her. But i'm ready right now, ready to let her go. I couldn't for the last holiday. I thought she still had something for me and I definately had something for her. This time I know for sure she doesn't even think about me. So I hope for this holiday I could really relax and take my mind of her. Hopefully. It's pretty damn hard, I can't even study. I mean I don't like studing but that's beside the point. I know damn well that I could study better when she's by my side. I proved it last year first semester. I'll just have to cope. One whole year, I have to put a stop to that.

I thought about her as a person. A great person, kind, romantic, funny, beautiful, the kind of girl that I want as a wife. Unfortunately I could never see that when i'm with her. Now that i'm not, I could see it so clearly. Many could relate to this but I thought about it carefully, maybe she isn't all that. I mean she dated 4 (but i'm sure 5 soon) person in 3 years. You might think that's little but not in my culture, not me. I think that's a lot. I don't know anyone else who dated that many person. It's sad that she's my first. It's sad that she's like that. But somehow i'm accepting that. I don't know why. Maybe I do. I love her. And maybe its time I should love her enough to let go. To see her really happy. I can't make up my mind, how fucked is that?

For now, Euro is on my mind. It's good, take my mind off her a little. But its going to end. And timing sucks. Well, a little step at a time I suppose.

Hopes and Dreams... Going, going, gone
It's official, its all gone. The hopes, the dreams. I'm quite speechless right now. Miss her plenty but i'm sure its not going to happen.

What made it worst was she made him ginseng. Thats thought i have always been holding on too. I miss her. She is great. I can't manage this. I can't manage life. I can't do this anymore.

realization
I tried having a journal before but didn't really follow up. So I hope this lasts. Mind my "blogging etiquette", i'm new. Thought it was quite gay. Really, not my kind of thing. Lately though, I have been losing track of my feelings, therefore resulting in making stupid decisions. I need this, for future references. And to be honest, i'm pretty inspired by her. A big irony actually, considering, she's pretty much the reason behind my decisions.

It will take way too long to start from the beginning of my biggest issue: letting go. So, i'll just have to start from where I am now, my current situation. Saw her last night. Made me feel like shit honestly. Miss her greatly but really, it was my fault to begin with, so there isn't anything i could do. Though I have to say, I have tried to make something out of nothing, splashing her with gifts and mushy and sickening letters but to no avail. She's brilliant. Totally exchanged the roles. I thought she was suppose to be the victim of our relationship. I end up getting hurt even more. Anyway, seeing her wasn't the problem, seeing her with another guy is.

It seems that the only time she calls me is when she needs something from me: drugs, company etc. And it seems i'm always her last resort. Like a bed to fall back on. It seems like she always seek me for comfort everytime she has a disagreement with this particular guy. Seriously fucked. She called me two weeks ago looking for someone to study with, but when i read her journal a few days later, it was because they were having a weird "issues" at that moment. When things patched up, didn't even get an sms. About a week ago, she snapped at me the night before, called me the next day for speed. I couldn't resist spending time with her, and it turns out the dude was being "insensitive". Which pretty much implies the reason for her calling.

I don't know what i'm suppose to do next. I know, i'm a big whinger, a whiner, a total loser. Snap out of it matt. Really, snap out of it.

I love her too much, god its been almost a year since we seperated. I fucked it up and I suppose it was only right for me to suffer the consequences. Its been too long. I want to get over her, but deep down inside I do hope we get back together.

Well, I guess its not fair to judge her from this. She is afterall my ex. And there isn't any solid evidence behind my accusation, its a mere assumptions.

That aside, I have been awake for 23 hours now. Didn't sleep at all last night. After what had happened, I thought it was best if I didn't cause the few minutes before i slumber and when i wake up are the moments i dread the most. It makes me feel pretty fucked up. Thankfully, I had speed. Three lines and i'm still going. Well, actually suppose to be studying but can't concentrate, and to think that speed actually helps you concentrate. I guess if you take it for that reason, it would work.

Signing of here then, my first entry in this journal and hopefully more to come.